A diary entry by a disappointed president ...
A diary entry by a disappointed president
https://dnyuz.com/2025/06/16/my-super-special-79th-was-not-super-special/
Dear Diary,
I did NOT have the birthday of my dreams last weekend! Everyone knows that 79 is the tank birthday. One is paper, 77 is emoluments, 78 you get to destroy one constitutional amendment of your choosing, 80 you get to become the state, but 79 is tanks, and I was so looking forward to my tank birthday.
-snip-
I had been thinking more along the lines of: Someone comes out to sing the national anthem and then stops, winks, turns to me, and starts singing “Happy Birthday” in a breathy voice instead. Then the Army rolls up with an enormous cake. But wait, what’s that in the cake? Could it be? I cut into the cake with a big sword to reveal A BRAND-NEW TANK! (Whoever finds the tank in the cake gets to be king for life!) Everyone claps.
Whoa! What is that, parachuting out of the sky? It’s another tank, like in the Fast and the Furious series of films! And who’s that, lifting the lid of the tank? It’s the pope!
“Sorry,” he says. “It was all a joke about me being pope. Here, try on my pointy white hat! I know you love a pointy white hat! You will be a great pope. The best pope.” Then the tank releases special red-white-and-blue smoke to indicate that a new, better pope has been selected: red for MAGA, white for pope, and blue to indicate that the pope is a boy.
Then they sing “Memories,” from the musical CATS! William McKinley rides by on a tariff and gives me a thumbs-up!
Then the Army goes by, but bigger and more excited this time. They are finally doing the high-kick thing! Then my dad climbs out of the tank and says, “The hole in you that has never been filled is full now!” and whispers, “I have a special surprise for you, my best boy! Look out your window, Donald, and see!” I run to the window and it’s the ’80s again! Finally! Everywhere I look there are flags, and so many dollars, and a bald eagle, and an oil well spouting for joy. I am the president, and the pope, and the tank has made me king for life! It is the best birthday ever!
Needless to say, this is NOT what happened.
They’d better do better for my 80th.