White House unveils cyber strategy. ( Along with plans for WWE arena) Comes with translation, of course.

[usonian]

https://www.whitehouse.gov/articles/2026/03/white-house-unveils-president-trumps-cyber-strategy-for-america/
https://www.whitehouse.gov/wp-content/uploads/2026/03/President-Trumps-Cyber-Strategy-for-America.pdf
Don't bother.

Apologies for repeating government lies here. It's total bullshit except for the translations beneath each major lie.

Pillars of Action
Six Policy Pillars underpin this strategy and will guide implementation and measures for success.

1. Shape Adversary Behavior

American citizens, companies, and our allies should not have to fend off sophisticated military, intelligence, and criminal adversaries in cyberspace alone. We will deploy the full suite of U.S. government defensive and offensive cyber operations. We will unleash the private sector by creating incentives to identify and disrupt adversary networks and scale our national capabilities. We must detect, confront, and defeat cyber adversaries before they breach our networks and systems. We will erode their capacity and capabilities, and use all instruments of national power to raise the costs for their aggression. We will counter the spread of the surveillance state and authoritarian technologies that monitor and repress citizens. Cybercrime and intellectual property theft are some of the greatest threats to global economies. We will uproot criminal infrastructure and deny financial exit and safe haven. Defending cyberspace and safeguarding freedom is a collective effort—the distribution of cost and responsibility must be fair across the U.S. and allies who share our democratic values. We will work together to create real risk for adversaries who seek to harm us, and impose consequences on those who do act against us.

Translation: fire government experts (He fired 1/3 of CISA) and outsource to Musk and Thiel. Bomb foreign hackers in their own homeland. Tax the middle class to pay for this. And Mexico. Stop hackers from stealing my god damn bitcoin and Trumpcoin.

We will counter the spread of the surveillance state and authoritarian technologies that monitor and repress citizens.

Thought you'd get a chuckle out of that one. Everywhere except here.

2. Promote Common Sense Regulation

Cyber defense should not be reduced to a costly checklist that delays preparedness, action, and response. We will streamline cyber regulations to reduce compliance burdens, address liability, and better align regulators and industry globally. We will streamline data and cybersecurity regulations to ensure that the private sector has the agility necessary to keep pace with rapidly evolving threats. We will emphasize the right to privacy for Americans and American data.

Translation: Abandon regulations. Come to the White House for help. Bring money (TrumpCoin is good). American data will stay in America, in the hands of Larry Ellison and Elon Musk. ESPECIALLY certain "files" that Bondi won't keep in the cooler.

3. Modernize and Secure Federal Government Networks

We will accelerate the modernization, defensibility, and resilience of federal information systems by implementing cybersecurity best practices, post-quantum cryptography, zero-trust architecture, and cloud transition. We will work to elevate the importance of cyber in government leadership and in the board room. We will use the best technologies and teams to constantly test and hunt for malicious actors on federal networks. We will prioritize the security and resilience of the National Security Systems that underpin our military, intelligence, and civilian enterprises. We will work to adopt AI-powered cybersecurity solutions to defend federal networks and deter intrusions at scale. Working across the government to modernize and create competitive procurement processes, we will remove barriers to entry so that the government can buy and use the best technology.

Translation: Rip everything out. Musk and Thiel will rewrite everything using Grok, not "woke" Claude.

4. Secure Critical Infrastructure

We will identify, prioritize, and harden America’s critical infrastructure and secure its supply chains, including defense critical infrastructure and adjacent vendors, private companies, networks, and services—such as the energy grid, financial and telecommunication systems, data centers, water utilities, and hospitals—securing information and operational technology supply chains. We must move away from adversary vendors and products, promoting and employing U.S. technologies. We will deny our adversaries initial access, and in the event of an incident, we must be able to recover quickly. We will galvanize the role of state, local, Tribal, and territorial authorities as a complement to—not a substitute for—our national cybersecurity efforts.

Translation: Privatize everything, handing control to RW ass-kissers, excluding "woke" vendors. State, local, tribal and territorial authorities will be galvanized, as in

A. To stimulate or shock with an electric current.
B. Coated with Zinc.

That is "assimilated"

5. Sustain Superiority in Critical and Emerging Technologies

Securing American innovation and protecting our national intellectual advantage will be paramount. We will build secure technologies and supply chains that protect user privacy from design to deployment, including supporting the security of cryptocurrencies and blockchain technologies. We will promote the adoption of post-quantum cryptography and secure quantum computing.

And we will secure the AI technology stack—including our data centers—and promote innovation in AI security. We will swiftly implement AI-enabled cyber tools to detect, divert, and deceive threat actors. We will rapidly adopt and promote agentic AI in ways that securely scale network defense and disruption. Through cyber diplomacy, we will ensure that AI—particularly generative AI and agentic AI—advances innovation and global stability. We will secure the data, infrastructure, and models that underpin U.S. leadership in AI and we will call out and frustrate the spread of foreign AI platforms that censor, surveil, and mislead their users.

Translation: Blow up Iran before they attack any more precious American overseas data centers. Use AI to combat foreign AI, even though the Chinese have figured how to do it with 10,000 times less power and equipment. Part 2. Lie like crazy so they can't figure out what our strategy is from one week to another. Part 3. Encrypt all un-released you know what files.. Dictators need privacy, more than you do.

6. Build Talent and Capacity

President Trump has called America’s cyber workforce a strategic asset that “protects the American people, the homeland, and the American way of life.” It is an asset worthy of great investment and essential to our nation’s economic prosperity and security. We need a pipeline that develops and shares talent. It must be pragmatic and accessible—reconciling and taking advantage of existing avenues within academia, vocational and technical schools, corporations, and venture capital opportunities—to educate and train our existing cyber workforce across industries and occupations, and to recruit the next generation to design and deploy exquisite cyber technologies and solutions. We will eliminate roadblocks that prevent industry, academia, government, and the military from aligning incentives and building a highly skilled cyber workforce. We will harness the existing resources, authorities, talents, and ingenuity that make America great.

Translation: Stop research at "woke" colleges and hire people from Bible schools. Having expelled all foreign geniuses, teach kids (over 18) to use Grok to do everything.

"When you're dumb as a rock, your answer is Grok."

Conclusion

This strategy makes clear the course President Trump has pursued in cyberspace, and the direction the U.S. government will pursue with increasing impact. President Trump has acted to ensure that Americans—especially future generations—will have a strong country where they are secure and defended, and a future defined by individual freedom, economic prosperity, and opportunity. President Trump will continue showing those who harm our interests and attack our values in cyberspace place themselves at risk.

Translation: FUCK IT ALL. Just give me all the power, blow up foreign countries for jollies. Give the wealthy more money because they give me GREAT kickbacks, and




Note from Trump: I wrote this all by myself.
It cost me 3 Sharpies to write it,
so please send money to

1-800-IMA-PEDO

Before midnight tonight