Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World

[milestogo]

Published:July 1, 2026 SATIRE

WASHINGTON—Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world. “We’re getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity’s presence on planet Earth,” Trump said during a press conference meant to address concerns over the world’s duration, adding that Americans didn’t want to get bogged down in a protracted existence with no clear end in sight.

“It was never the plan to continue having life go on forever. We’re gonna hit those 8 billion sons of bitches with everything we’ve got and achieve total annihilation for the American people. Frankly, if it weren’t for the Democrats and the fake news media coverage, we could have wrapped this world up and moved on to the void already.” Trump went on to acknowledge that the GOP could face heavy midterm losses if the world was allowed to continue through November.

https://theonion.com/trump-indicates-desire-for-speedy-end-to-world/

[Laffy Kat]

1. Well, that's certainly reassuring.

JFC.

[milestogo]

2. He wants to make all his fuckups look like they're intentional.

Also- if he is running out of time, the rest of us should also.

[rampartd]

3. his fundy cult want jesus to return in judgement

i get that much.

but is jesus the banker in a cosmic game of monopoly, here to reward the winner with a golden trophy?

and why do they think he will be pissed if we have not burned all the petroleum and carbonated the atmosphere?>