Spurious News: Texas turns "Great American State Fair" into a real state fair with 400 cattle, 1200 sheep!
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- "Ma'am, I don't know who that damn Yankee Trump is tryin' to fool," said Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller, "but a state fair with no livestock ain't a state fair at all."
King Donald Trump erected an event he calls the Great American State Fair on Washington, DC's National Mall. The Texas Department of Agriculture attended its opening day on June 25 and came away thoroughly unimpressed,
"This so-called state fair has none of the things a real state fair should have," said Commissioner Miller. "I already said there's no livestock. There aren't any 4-H exhibits. No crafts. No baking displays. Nothing. There aren't even any of the fun food items everyone goes to the fair to enjoy. And there sure isn't any happiness among the crowds - fairs are supposed to be fun and this one wasn't. So, we fixed it."
On the morning of July 4, a long row of semis pulling livestock trailers appeared on Constitution Avenue. They disgorged 400 cattle of every breed raised in Texas, 1200 sheep, 600 hogs, 450 goats, and 75 draft horses. The sparse crowds at the event immediately flocked to them, and thousands of people started to enter the grounds.
"The kids love the goats the best," said Commissioner Miller. "Goats are just the friendliest animals you'd ever want to meet. If you could only figure out how to train one to ask to go outside, everyone would have pet goats. They're going to have a little problem with the sheep; sheep can graze all the way to the ground so the Mall's gonna be completely bare in a few days."
Commissioner Miller also took care of the rest of the problem.
"It was hard to come up with enough quilts and apple pies to make a real fair on only a couple days notice, but we managed. Fortunately for America, when you enter something in the State Fair of Texas you have to provide your phone number and email address. We just went through the records and started sending out texts and emails that said 'that item you entered into the 2025 State Fair of Texas...do you still have it and can we borrow it for about three weeks?' Hundreds of exhibitors loaned us their handmade treasures. We also got jams, homegrown produce, baked goods, just everything a real state fair needs, and we shipped it all up to Washington for the entire country to see."
He took care of the food problem as well. "The State Fair of Texas has hundreds of food vendors. We know who they are, and we just called 'em up and asked if they wanted to get richer than they'd ever been. The great people of Texas stepped up in a huge way. Now this is a real state fair."
Trump, naturally, was not pleased.
"The un-american so called Agriculture Commissioner of Texas, Sid Miller, illegally took over my beautiful Great American State Fair with his dirty goats and terrible homemade bread. I will make sure to punish him severely for this treason!"
Commissioner Miller's response: "Well, bless his heart."