Are You Ready For This, Media? Pam Bondi Is A Dumbass

[Zorro]

258 MILLION DEAD AMERICANS!

A funny thing happened on Wednesday during Donald Trump’s licky-licky afternoon delight session with his Cabinet members, where they all lined up to pay respects to his ding-dong and tell him what a brilliant day it was the day he was born.

No, we’re not talking about when Trump angrily told the nation’s children that they need to give up most of their Christmas presents while President Grandpa uses trade wars to work out his emotional insecurities on a global scale.

That was definitely weird, though.

No, this moment came during the parade of ass-sniffing, where each Cabinet member had to praise Trump and tell him how brilliant and sexy he is, which we imagine he especially needs right now, considering how large majorities of the population are fully turning on him and a majority considers him a “dangerous dictator whose power should be limited before he destroys American democracy.”

“Sir, it’s been a momentous 100 days with you at the helm!” said Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, with that slightly inbred royal look he always has on his face.

“The biggest reason why we’re here is that this is the 100th day of the most consequential, historic first 100 days in the history of this country,” said EPA chief Lee Zeldin.

Pete Hegseth, gushing like a little boy who got to go to work with Daddy that day and wear one of his ties and everything, babbled, “What we have seen since your election and the inauguration has been nothing short of a recruiting renaissance. The men and women of America want to join the United States military led by President Donald Trump.” You betcha. Literally cannot imagine anything more dishonorable on earth than wanting to serve Donald Trump, but keep telling yourself there’s a “recruiting renaissance” and that you’re an important part of it, big guy!

“You’re not just courageous, you’re actually fearless,” said Interior Secretary Doug Burgum. “All of us can sprint, because you’re running ahead,” he also said, like he was using a “Footprints” poster as a dental dam.

Speaking of sprinting, if the others were fawning all over Trump’s asscrack and complimenting how playfully asymmetrical it is, Attorney General Pam Bondi was there to declare, in her “I invented Post-Its” voice, that Trump had in fact invented asscracks.

In so doing, she claimed that approximately 75 percent of the American population would be dead if it hadn’t been for him. Ayup.

https://www.wonkette.com/p/are-you-ready-for-this-media-pam

[Codifer]

1. For the sheltered:

In the porn industry these people would be called "Fluffers". It is their job to keep the actors in a state of excitement between takes.

Which would be much more rewarding than trying to do that in the cabinet. Less of a need to vomit.

[Skittles]

2. people lining up to serve in the military because,....Cadet Bonespurs