Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body's Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold (satire)

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Published: October 29, 2025

WASHINGTON—Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the body’s natural ability to transmute lead into gold. “The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead,” said the secretary of health and human services, noting that even a few drops of colloidal lead every morning could have an effect similar to that produced by the elixirs ancient Egyptians drank for rejuvenation. “Once inside you, lead undergoes a natural transformation, creating one of the most valuable medicines in the world. I figure at this point my body is at least 50% gold. I’m more energetic, and gold never corrodes, so you can basically live forever.” Kennedy concluded his remarks by swallowing a lead pipe whole and then regurgitating a single gold nugget.

https://theonion.com/gray-lipped-rfk-jr-touts-bodys-natural-ability-to-transmute-lead-into-gold/