Spurious News: Trump declares war on eight South American countries over "MELANIA" disaster

[jmowreader]

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- Today, King Donald Trump ordered the Army's XVIII Airborne Corps and III Armored Corps, the US Marine Corps' 1st and 3d Marine Divisions, the US Navy's six-ship George H. W. Bush Carrier Strike Group, and the US Air Force's 843d Bomb Wing to prepare to invade and occupy the South American nations of Bolivia, Brazil, Colombia, Ecuador, Guyana, Peru, Suriname and Venezuela. King Donald had attacked but not occupied Venezuela in January 2026; this deployment will see two US Army infantry brigades, one Marine Corps infantry brigade and four B-52 bombers permanently stationed in that oil-rich but cash-poor dictatorship.

Trump's justification for going to war is the unprecedented but not unexpected box office failure of the Amazon MGM Studios documentary "MELANIA." The film in question, which tells the story of First Lady Melania Trump's 20-day preparation period leading up to King Donald's 2025 inauguration, cost $70 million to make, earned only $7 million in its opening weekend, and is listed on the Internet Movie Database with a special ratings-star widget that doesn't allow you to choose to give the film more than one star.

"It is the Amazon's fault that everyone in America didn't go to MELANIA this weekend and bask in the glory that is the greatest First Lady in American history," wrote King Donald on his Truth Social network. "An act of disrespect of this nature cannot go unpunished. The greatest military ever will give the Amazon a lesson they'll never forget."

Gustavo Petro, president of Colombia, immediately responded to Trump's saber-rattling threat. "Dear Pendejo, we didn't make that shitty movie. The American company Amazon did. The only thing we and they have in common is the name. So chinga du madre, estupido gringo."

General Kenneth Wilsbach, Chief of Staff of the Air Force, also responded to Trump's threat. "Good luck getting the 843d Bomb Wing to go down there. It doesn't exist. It never has existed. The 843d Bomb Wing was General Ripper's unit in Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove. During World War II there was an 843d Bombardment Squadron (Heavy), which was formed in 1943 and disbanded in 1944. We're not going to reform it because that moron is pissed off no one wanted to spend fifteen bucks to see his wife buy shoes and get her makeup done before an inauguration that shouldn't ever have happened."

Lieutenant General Gregory Anderson, Commanding General of XVIII Airborne Corps, confirmed he sees this order as despicable. "You know that shit that got stirred up over Senator (Mark) Kelly telling the troops not to obey illegal orders? Attacking eight countries who did nothing to you because you're mad no one wanted to go to a movie about his wife is about as illegal as orders get. But that's okay, I already called the White House and told them we couldn't go because we're washing our hair tonight." Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth immediately transmitted to the commanding generals of every Army base in the Continental United States an order that all soldiers will be shaven bald by the end of the day so they don't have to worry about washing their hair.