The Borowitz Report: McConnell Retires: "My Work Destroying this Country is Done"

[FakeNoose]

Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/mcconnell-retires-my-work-destroying

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky announced his retirement on Thursday, declaring, “My work destroying this country is done.”

Stating, “I want to spend more time rolling back progress for my family,” the senator told reporters, “I retire with my head held high, knowing that I am leaving the country in smoldering ruins.”

“From torpedoing gun laws to boosting sexual assailants onto the Supreme Court, I have been tireless in my effort to make this land unfit for human habitation,” he said.

McConnell marked the solemn occasion with a minute-long moment of silence in the middle of a sentence. According to experts, McConnell’s retirement means that Rand Paul will become the worst person in Kentucky.

- short article, no more at link -

Please note: Mitch McConnell hasn't actually retired, he merely announced that he won't seek re-election in 2026. He's staying in office until the end of his term.