I have a friend whose 20 something son took his own life about three years ago. His birthday is in January, and I have just been through communicating with her about the memory of him on the anniversary of his birth. She also lost her other son, many, many years ago, about a month after he was born. She still remembers him and feels the pain of losing him, too.
I've just finished reading Jamie Raskin's book and told her about it. Her words? She thinks it's too soon, that she won't be able to handle reading it. There is no timetable for handling grief. I can tell you, though, that Jamie Raskin mentions in his book that he started zooming with a grief therapist, weekly, not long after his son's death and that it has helped him a lot.
He also says that with the benefit of hindsight, he believes that his son had been planning his suicide for some time. You are not responsible for his decision. It is not your fault. You didn't do the research, buy the chemicals, or consume them. It was his decision.
Yes, I agree with you that you will never be the same. But you will learn how to live with it. And part of how you will do that is to talk about your son. Remember him. Cherish the memories and never let go of having loved him.
You know that all of us here are surrounding you with love and hugs? And as Skittles says, there is always somebody here at DU when you want to talk.
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