i lost my little friend

[orleans]

a month and a half after my mom died we had to put our beloved dog to sleep. it was devastating. i was alone for a month and a half after that--i was the ghost in the house, void of life, void of everything except anguish and grief.

then a friend of mine brought over a little ten year old dog she had found at a shelter. the people had gotten rid of her because they were having a baby. my friend was worried about me. she didn't want me to be alone, with no focus other than my sadness. she thought another dog would help me get through my grief.

i couldn't make the decision to keep this little dog or not. and then weeks and then months went by--she just stayed. and we bonded. and slowly i was able to start feeling again, and when that finally happened i began to love her. and i must have thanked her a thousand times for being my little friend, my little shadow.

she was my focus. my reason for going home, sometimes hurrying home--have to let her out, have to feed her, have to give her some company, don't want to leave her alone too long, have to walk her.

she listened to me crying, listened to me talking to myself (to my mom), and she was always by my side as i grieved for my mother and our other dog. she put up with my emotional distance and slowly we grew closer.

my focus. my sweet little friend.

and one day she decided not to eat breakfast. and decided not to eat anymore. or drink.
trips to the vet. blood tests. x-rays. everything was normal. nothing was wrong. except i was now force feeding her baby food and she was getting weaker. and weaker.

it was as if, one day she decided it was her time to go. and i prolonged it for a week. and then, shortly after bringing her home from a trip to the vet, she just... died.

my little friend, who gave me a reason to get up, come home, get my head together a little bit, my little friend who needed me to take care of her but not nearly as much as i needed her.

and i'm heartbroken.
there is no comfort--no food, no alcohol, no place to go to find relief.
she was my day-to-day for the last three years and five months.
i hate good-byes so much! even though i believe they are not permanent, the time between now and later is way too long. they feel permanent enough for now and it's almost unbearable.

she's been gone just over a week. the day after she died i had to ice my eyes for three hours to get the swelling down before i could go to work. it's better now--i'm not crying myself into distortion anymore. but it's bad.

i remember a couple friends thought a ten year old dog coming to live with me in my time of grief was a terrible idea. but i am so grateful that she was a part of my life--i loved her so much--it was all worth it. i just miss her so much, all the time.